Ask Wifey Q&A: To Fuss or Not To Fuss?

Wifey's Q and A

Hi Wifey,

I was just turned on to your blog and I think it's fantastic. I have a question (obviously)! I've been married for 5 months and my husband's birthday is coming up. I want to do something special, creative, and on a budget. He recently commented that my family really celebrates Xmas and birthdays but that his did not so he's not expecting anything but dinner (which I do all the time). My sense is, he would really appreciate a true celebration but has grown accustomed to it not being a big deal. Any thoughts?

By the way he may or may not appreciate going out because he travels 4 to 5 days a week so he really values his time at home.

- Mrs. Birthday Boy

Dear Mrs. Birthday Boy

Congratulations and welcome to the wonderful and wild world of marriage! I’m a birthday lover and believe that everyone should have a cake and some fuss on their day so I might be a tad bit biased when I tell you to trust your senses and give your new hubby a true celebration. Dinner at home sounds like a good idea but make it extra special. Make his favorite meal, have his favorite drink, bake him a birthday cake (or buy one if you’re dangerous in the kitchen) dress yourself up like you’re going out on the town – do the things that you know HE will like. Remember this is his celebration not yours.

Because he’s not used to the fuss you might not want to go too overboard, but do enough to make him happy and set some new traditions for your new family – that would be you and him. Pay attention to his reaction so you know how to handle things moving forward and most importantly, let him know you love him and you’re happy he’s part of your life. My guess is that will be all the celebration he needs.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Do you and your husband celebrate special occasions the same way? Feel free to share your Wives Words ... 

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

I Can’t Do It All By Myself

Wifey's Q and A

Dear Wifey:

Love your blog! I was hoping you and/or your faithful readers could help me.

My husband and I have been married 9 months, together 6 years and living together 4 years. The problem: he doesn't help around the house nearly as much as I'd like him to. From time to time, my husband comes home and tells me about the wonderful women his coworkers are married to and the ends they go to in order to please their husbands at home. It makes me feel like this is his way of telling me I'm not being a good wife and/or that I'm not doing enough for him. Why would he think this? Well because 1.) I don't do his laundry; and 2.) I only cook about 5 days a week.

My point of view: I don't live by myself and I'm not a maid. I feel like he should lend a hand sometimes. I understand he works long hours and travels for work. I'm not asking him to come home everyday and start busting suds. I'd just like him to help me out a little sometimes and pick up after himself. I do 99% of the cooking and cleaning. He leaves pots and pans all over the stove and lets the sink pile up with dirty dishes. He leaves cups and snack packages in our bedroom. He lets his shoes pile up in the living room. He leaves his opened mail scattered all over the couch. He lets his dirty clothes pile up sometimes for weeks at a time. (By the way, he was sort of a clean freak when I met him.) I work full-time just like him and even though we don't have kids yet, I'm tired of doing everything around this huge house by myself.

His point of view: He's on the road for work nearly every day working about 60 hours a week. His only day off is Sunday. He spends his days driving between three different states to manage multiple locations. Sometimes he drives 5-6 hours a day just to get to and from work. He's tired. The last thing he wants to think about is household chores. Those are the wife's responsibilities. He pays the mortgage and is the breadwinner. He shouldn't have to worry about much else.

I have expressed my feelings to him in the past. Usually he'll help me out for about a week, then his old ways set in again. Am I missing something? Am I being unreasonable? I don't know how to get through to him without it turning into the same old argument.

I'd love to get some feedback from you. Thanks in advance.

Sincerely,

Mrs. I Can't Do It All By Myself

Dear Mrs. I Can’t Do It All By Myself:

First, let me say that you are not alone. This is such a common dilemma that couples face. Are you being unreasonable, I don’t think so. Are you missing something, perhaps the conversation about what you and your husband expected before you got married, but don’t feel bad, most of us missed this convo, too! Often couples tackle the big issues before they get married – kids and money – but who’s going to cook dinner or take out the trash is normally just assumed. It’s those assumptions and expectations that often find us on different pages.

The fact that your husband was a clean freak when you met him and has since changed his ways, coupled with the fact that he’s told you he believes household chores are the wife’s responsibility lets you know exactly where he stands. It sounds like you have communicated your stance, too. Quite honestly, you both have valid points, but unfortunately, have different expectations. Neither one is right or wrong. You might not understand or agree with each other but both of you are entitled to your point of view and you both should respect that. Here’s the fun part, you both need to find a common ground that will work for your marriage. Because your views are so opposing, one person giving in will probably lead to resentment. Decide what you are willing to compromise on then present it to your husband and ask him to do the same. Approach him positively, letting him know that his point of view is important to you and that you’d like to figure out how you both can feel comfortable with the outcome. Be patient, it might take a little while to work this out but it will definitely be worth the effort.

Winks & Smiles,

Alright ladies, she’s asking for your help. Would love to hear your thoughts!

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

One Step at a Time

Wifey’s Q and A

Since I’ve started running I’ve received such wonderful support and encouragement; and more recently lots of questions. Everything from what shoes am I wearing to how I like my Nike+ sportband to what time of day do I run. A couple of weeks ago someone asked me this via Twitter:

"How do you run? I want to but every time I try I don’t get far and feel sick."

While I’m not a running expert – even with two half marathons under my belt I still consider myself a newbie – I feel like I can answer this one. You run by taking one step at a time – literally. When I started I couldn’t make it to my mailbox (I felt sick, too) so I began walking first, then I mixed in a slow jog. I walked five minutes then jogged for one minute. Walked five minutes jogged for one minute. Slowly, over the next few weeks I decreased my walking minutes and increased my jogging minutes. Before I knew it I could make it past the mailbox down the street and up the hill – and didn’t feel like the Grim Reaper was waiting for me at the top.

If you’re interested in running but don’t think you can do it, I’m here to tell you that you can. I felt the same way … and now I’m a princess. There are lots of great references to help you get started correctly. There are books, websites, running coaches, and groups – even free ones – so that you can learn safely and properly. Make sure that you visit your doctor before you start – believe that you can do it – then simply place one foot in front of the other. The old saying, “walk before you run,” applies here. Take your time and move at your own pace – just make sure you’re moving.

Winks & Smiles,

Read more...

Wifey's Q and A: One Year and a Baby

Wifey’s Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I hope you can really help. We are one-year old – hubby and I. We have a baby girl who is 4-months (she’s adorable but a handful) and lots of financial issues. We are all very stressed. Do tell me, how do I talk to my hubby when I feel so tired and not-helped, confused and alone? I know I need to help him feel loved and supported but what about me? How do I give when I also need support and love?

-Mrs. One Year and A Baby

Dear Mrs. One Year and a Baby:

Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. A new marriage, a new baby and financial struggles – all of these things can be taxing on their own and extremely tiring when combined together. Congratulations on becoming a wife and mother. While these are two of the most wonderful roles in my life they also are often the most confusing, stressful, and exhausting. Please know that feeling stressed is completely normal and you are definitely not alone.

Kudos to you for realizing that marriage needs reciprocation. It is a two-way street and both of you need to feel loved and supported. Unfortunately, that is often easier said than done. I suggest starting within you first. Treat your husband the way you want to be treated. Showing him the love and support that you crave is not only healthy for your marriage, and the right thing to do, it’s putting out positive energy that will hopefully come back around to you. Secondly, share with him your needs and wants. Don’t demand or make him feel like he’s doing something wrong. That will only put him on the defensive, making things harder. Tell him specifically what you need from him and give him clear examples so he can understand. He’s not a mind reader and can’t help you if he doesn’t realize what’s going on. Remember, he’s stressed and confused, too.

The beginning of marriage and motherhood can often be the most challenging. Be patient with yourself, and your husband, as you both begin to figure things out.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Any “wives” words? Share your wisdom. New wives and mothers want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Love Don't Live Here Anymore

Wifey’s Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I have been married for eight years to my husband and we have three beautiful daughters. I found out that my husband had a year-long relationship with a college friend he had not seen in about 12 years. I have forgiven my husband but I seem not to get past the hurt and how I found out. We are going to counseling but It's like we are not going anywhere with it. I am so disconnected from him. I am not in love with my husband. I do care for him but I can say love does not live here in my heart. I am trying to put the pieces back but have much lack of effort from him. I have spoken to him and have written letters to him about my feelings but it does not move him to fix the relationship. I’m wondering should I stay or go?

- Mrs. Conflicted

Dear Mrs. Conflicted:

I applaud your effort in seeking counseling and trying to put the pieces back together in your relationship. I am big supporter of the institution of marriage, of counseling, and trying to make things work, but sometimes couples have to face the reality that it might be better for the entire family, children included, if they separate. Unfortunately, no one can tell you when it’s time to leave your marriage but you.

It must be difficult to try to heal your heart and move past the pain when your partner is not putting forth any effort. It takes two people to save a broken marriage and though you might like to, you can’t make him come to the table. Perhaps you might consider some counseling sessions on your own to help you decide if you are ready to end the marriage. A counselor could also help you figure out if the love is truly gone from your heart or if it’s the hurt talking; and help you prepare your next steps if you decide to leave.

I’m not certain how long you’ve been faced with your husband’s infidelity, but I do suggest that you give yourself some time to deal with your feelings. Follow your heart, your head and your gut. Women were blessed with strong instincts; don’t be afraid to use them.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Any “wives” words? Share your wisdom. Conflicted wives want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Wifey’s Q and A

Dear Wifey:

 I’m a 27 year-old insurance agent raising a beautiful little girl. I am still in a relationship with my child’s father. We live together and are trying to do the best we can. I feel that living in sin for too long is unwise to say the least but it also is killing my spirit. My man is 32 and I think by this age he should know what he wants. When I asked him about the topic of marriage he said “bluntly” that he doesn’t think about it. Now don’t get me wrong I love him and he loves me. But I am at a point where I am draining myself. We have been together three years and our child is 1. He has issues with us living together. When we get into a “discussion” he will bring up that he doesn’t want to live in the house I picked out, that he wants to live on his own. He thinks he can take care of us without being in the household. I think that he feels less than a man because I was struggling and had to move quickly; and at that time he said he was going to get his own apartment. I felt alone so I did what needed to be done. Now, fast forward he moved in and it’s been good. At this point he gets all of me as if we were married. I cook, I clean, I do the dang thing. LOL. I guess my point is how to deal? Do I stay true to him although he has a “double mind?” I know that being in a relationship isn’t easy; I know it takes hard work and dedication, but when do you say when?

When is the best time to let go and if it’s true let it come back to you? We live together so that’s easier said than done. I really want to get back into me. Get to being the best “me” I can be. And honestly I’m not; I could be a better mother, friend. I could be better physically and mentally. But I’m consumed with thoughts of marriage and living right.

Help.

- Mrs. To-Be?

Dear Mrs. To-Be?

It sounds like you and your man have two different views on your relationship and marriage. While spouses don’t have to agree on everything, sharing the same goals, vision and desires when it comes to your partnership is critical in making it work. You are correct, a relationship does take hard work and dedication; and you both should be clear about what you are working towards. It sounds like he’s communicated his desires with you, but have you shared your wants and needs with him? Don’t assume he knows. Tell him how you feel, what you need and why. Before you let go consider counseling. Sometimes a third, unbiased party can help two people find common ground.

Kudos to you for recognizing that you want to “get back to me.” No one can give their best to a relationship or marriage if they are consumed with it, drained and not happy with themselves. Take some time to focus on you. As you gain strength and peace within yourself, clarity will come, too.

Winks & Smiles,

Calling in the troops. Any “wives” words? Share your wisdom. Wives in-waiting want to know …

Read more...

The Definition of a Wife

Ask Wifey’s Q and A – Reversed

I DVR’d Oprah yesterday because I saw a commercial that the show would be about marriage. There were several interesting segments about women and marriage all around the world but it was something Elizabeth Gilbert, author of the new book Committed said that made me stop and think. She explained that a lot of women she knows want to be married but no one wants to be a “wife.”

Wow.

That made me question what exactly does that mean? And even more so, what’s the definition of a wife?

So, I looked it up.

According to Dictionary.com a wife is “a woman joined in marriage to a man; a woman considered in relation to her husband; spouse.”

Hmm. No surprises there, but does that really sum up what a wife is? So many words come to mind when I think about a wife. Partner. Spouse. Lover. Friend. Companion. Supporter. Backbone. Caregiver. Leader. The list could go on and on.

She went on to say that some of the “traditional” things that many wives take on in their households – cooking, cleaning, staying home to care for the kids - is probably the deterrent. While I may be known to complain about some of these things, ahem, (I really do have a list of reasons Why Wifey needs a Wife) I truly don’t mind doing some many of them. To me, being a wife is much more than washing some dishes or making sure the pantry is full. Hell, you can pay someone else to do that for you.

I want to be a wife. I chose to be a wife. I LOVE being a wife. I LOVE being my husband’s wife. It’s an honor and privilege to share the bond and the life that we have and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

How about you? What’s your definition of a wife? Wives everywhere want to know …

Winks & Smiles,

Read more...

Harmless Flirting

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I’m a happily married woman, but I think I have a crush on my daughter’s doctor. He’s new to her pediatricians’ office, young, attractive and attentive. He seems genuinely interested in what I have to say. I would NEVER cheat on my husband; I love him, but am I wrong to flirt with the doctor?

- Mrs. Harmless Flirting

Dear Mrs. Harmless Flirting:

It depends what you consider flirting. You are not the first or only woman to ogle at their baby’s doctor. Mommy crushes are quite popular, especially with “young, attractive, attentive” men that are servicing you in some capacity – your dentist, your mechanic, your son’s T-ball coach or the hot guy serving you Starbuck’s on your way to work.

Just because you’re married, doesn’t mean that you don’t notice good looking men anymore. It’s harmless as long as you keep it in perspective and don’t cross any lines. In no way should your actions, or his, stray away from the doctor-patient relationship. You’re married, but you’re still human. Enjoy the doctor’s visits, but get your real flirt on with your husband.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Do you ever find yourself flirting with the hot guy in the car pool line? Have you ever had a mommy crush? What do you consider crossing the line? Wondering wives want to know ...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Husband's Holiday Cheat Sheet

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I love my husband but he didn’t pick out good Christmas presents for me last year. This is our first Christmas married and I would really love to get something that I might actually like. He hasn’t asked, but I want to give him a list. Is that wrong?

- Mrs. Wish List

Dear Mrs. Wish List:

No, it is not wrong to give your husband a “wish list” or "cheat sheet" to steer him in the right direction. Not everyone was born with a fabulous-shopping gene so feel free to help him out; just make sure you don’t insult him or let him know how bad he bombed last year. The last thing you want to do is crush his ego. Suggest that you both make wish lists to make things easier on each other. If he’s not a shopper he’ll probably welcome the idea leaving the two of you less stressed and much happier as you open presents, that you'll truly enjoy, under the tree.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Do you help Husband with hints for your holiday gifts? Wondering wives want to know ...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Me Tarzan, You Jane

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A – Sort of

Earlier this week I received a tweet from the fabulous Aliya S King inviting me to weigh-in on a post she wrote about marriage. Since she’s such a talented writer I quickly popped over to see what she had going on.

Her post, Is My Husband the Boss of Me?, tackles the classic me-Tarzan-you-Jane-can-my-husband-tell-me-what-to-do-cause-I’m-an-independent-woman question through her entertaining and funny recap of her husband’s class reunion. Her dilemma: what to wear, what to wear!

I, of course, ahem, shared my two-cents in her comments and invite you all over to read her post and weigh-in as well. It’s a good read, posing a good question, Is My Husband the Boss of Me?

Winks & Smiles,

Read more...

Sex: Lots, Little or Lack Of

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A – Reversed

You didn’t ask, but I’m just sayin’…

How often do you and your husband have sex?

Gasp!

That’s a rhetorical question, unless you would like to share those intimate details with all of us, but a question that you should ask yourself. Do you know how many times you and your husband have had sex in the past week? OK, month? Come on, year?

I was flipping through channels on Monday and caught a segment of The Dr. OZ Show. He and his guest Dr. Laura Berman, a leading sex educator and therapist, said that sexless marriages are at an alarming high and that sex in marriages are in a state of crisis in this country. With all the pressure and things people are juggling today – spouses, kids, bills, housework, and careers all in a terrible economy – its really not surprising that people’s sex-lives are struggling. But, it’s not good either. Sex is a critical part of a marriage and when it’s neglected, or even eliminated, the relationship undoubtedly suffers.

Dr. OZ is hosting a National Sex Experiment. He says it will start off slow and lead to the “best sex of your life.” Hmm. For those of you who are already swinging from the chandelier on a daily basis, kudos to you, but for the other 99.9 percent of us hopefully that sparked your attention.

This past Monday, Dr. OZ released his first three steps in the program:

Start Talking

Kiss and Cuddle

Just Do It

To learn more details about the experiment and these first three steps visit Dr. OZ’s website.

So, how about you? Do you make sex a priority in your marriage? If so, how? If not, are you willing to start today? Wondering wives want to know …

Winks & Smiles,

Read more...

Challenged Glassware

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I have had the same dishwasher for five years and my wine glasses and other glasses just recently started having this white streaking/cloudy stuff on them. I have been using those Cascade ActionPacs for the past year. We do not put un-rinsed plates or glasses in the dishwasher so I don’t think it is film from fat/protein (hot water does not remove it). Any suggestions would help ... like should I clean the dishwasher with citric acid to prevent it?

- Mrs. Challenged Glassware

Dear Mrs. Challenged Glassware:

Great question! Since cleaning tips and tricks are not my forte, ahem, I’ve asked my favorite lifestyle blogger, The Broke Socialite, to help with your dilemma.

“I do believe that I can help with your reader's quandary. Her problem is likely not her product; but her water. Stemware can fall victim to years of washing in hard water...whether by hand or dishwasher. This ‘clouding’ can probably be removed by cleaning with vinegar. Soak the glasses in pure white vinegar for at least an hour, rinse with warm (not hot) water and dry with a lint-free cloth. It may take a few times to see a remarkable difference.

Should this not work, check out sales on great stemware because you'll need to invest (and it doesn't need to be expensive...check Tar-Zhay, Ross, TJ Maxx, Macy's) in a new set. If you buy gradually, it won't be so overwhelming.”

Thanks, Broke Socialite! That’s exactly what I would’ve said.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Got any dishwashing or other cleaning tricks? Domestically-challenged wives want to know?

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Homecoming King

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My husband’s college homecoming is at the end of the month and he wants to go without me. He says that none of his friends’ wives are going and he wants to hang with the boys. I’ve heard so many crazy stories about his college days and am a little worried about him going without me. What should I do?

- Mrs. Homecoming King

Dear Mrs. Homecoming King:

I understand that you have a little bit of anxiety about your husband heading back to his college homecoming without you, but do you really have anything to be concerned about? Ask yourself a few questions: how long ago was he in college; do I trust him; has he ever given me any reason to think that he would be unfaithful; and how would he feel if he knew I doubted him?

The answers to these questions should help alleviate your fears. Unless you truly believe he would act inappropriately – in that case you should explore why you think that and consider addressing the issue on a deeper level – plan a girlfriends’ weekend or catch up on some “me time” and send him on his way.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Would you help your husband pack; or pitch a fit? Wondering wives want to know?

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Suffocated with Stuff

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My mother-in-law keeps buying me stuff for my house. She brings over little things that I don’t need and quite frankly, that I don’t like. I want to tell her to stop but I don’t want to be rude. What should I do?

- Mrs. Suffocated with Stuff

Dear Mrs. Suffocated with Stuff:

Don’t tell her to stop. If you do it will probably come across mean and could put a strain on your relationship. Moms and mother-in-laws buy “stuff” for their kids. That’s just something that many of them like to do. Say thank you and accept her gifts gracefully.

If she lives out of town you should keep everything that she buys you stored together then when she comes to visit you can place some of it out around your house. If she lives in town you are not obligated to use everything that she bought for you – especially if you don’t like it – but finding one or two things that work in your home would be a thoughtful gesture.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Does your mother or mother-in-law constantly give you stuff? Is it fab or drab? And what do you do with it? Wives everywhere want to know ...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Holiday Shake Up

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I’m starting to get nervous with the holidays coming up. This is our newlywed year and the first time we have to deal with where to go for the holidays. We both have big families and normally spend the holidays with our own. Both of our families live in two different states. How can we be in two places at once? Help, please!

- Mrs. Holiday Shake Up

Dear Mrs. Holiday Shake Up:

First of all take a deep breath. I realize this is a big obstacle for many families, but by addressing it early I’m sure you will find a workable solution. Getting nervous and stressing out will only make things worse. Unfortunately, you can’t be in two places at once, but you do have two major holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas or Hanukkah) coming and can split them up between the two families. Dividing the two is a common remedy that often satisfies most. Hopefully your families will be supportive and understanding, but you should know that it’s impossible to please everyone.

Start having conversations with your husband now about what is important about the holidays to both of you; and to your families. It might take a series of conversations to hash it out, but once you both make a decision stand united and share it sooner than later so that your families have time to digest it, too. Remember this is an adjustment for everyone so be sympathetic, but don’t fall prey to guilt trips. Enjoy the time you’ll have with each family and look forward to starting new traditions of your own.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? How does your family handle the holidays? Do you split them up? Alternate years? Make everyone come to you? Wives everywhere want to know ...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Wife of a Habitual Adulterer

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My husband and I have been married for seventeen years and have two children. He's always taken care of us and been a good father. The first instance of him committing adultery happened when we received a phone call from the Navy twelve years ago saying dependents couldn't go to Cuba because it was too dangerous. He came home on leave several times that year but something wasn't right. After he came home permanently I asked, "Did you love her?" to which he replied, "Yes." Despite my heartbreak we worked things out.He rarely went out but when he did, he'd do stupid things like take his wedding ring off when out with a friend or I would find strip club matchbooks in his pockets.

Fast forward to October of 2008. After a wonderful morning of making love, I went to the store. When I returned home and after I put groceries away, I went to check my email because he was doing paperwork at the table. At first I thought someone hacked my Yahoo! account because I saw a man's name staring at me. I freaked and starting looking over the subject line and was horrified at the explicit sex talk in front of me. And then, out of the blue, I saw a photo of a birthmark I recognized all to well--it was my husband. There were too many disgusting emails to count. Some with women, others with men talking about how to sneak out and have a threesome with a woman at a local hotel--that never happened. Even more hurtful were emails to women where my husband totally trashed me. He'd never said anything demeaning to me, ever, over the course of our entire marriage. He's always come home from work and hugged and kissed me. He gives me foot massages and tickles my back nightly and calls me several times a day while he's at work. We do family stuff together regularly. It's not that we never argued or had fights, but they were few and far between. Needless to say, I was devastated. When I confronted him he broke down and started crying, saying he loved me but that he was a different person online. He said he didn't mean any of those ugly words he'd written and he had no intention of actually hooking up with anyone.

I forgave him but couldn't forget. I refused to make love to him because the words I saw kept running through my brain. Several months later, we were starting to return to normal as far as conversing and being lovey-dovey but I still wasn't comfortable having sex. Then, from out of the blue I receive a message on a social site from someone I don't know saying they have information about my husband. My heart sank, this couldn't be good, and it wasn't. In my mail was a list of two months worth of email conversations between my husband and a woman he saw at the gym each morning. The person who sent me the emails was the woman's husband. It went further than conversation though--they had sex the day before my 17th wedding anniversary. They called it quits before I found out.

Each and every time I've caught my husband doing things of this nature, he's broken down and cried that he loves me and does not want a divorce. Not just tears streaking down his cheeks but the choking type of cry. A couple of days after the last incident he said, "I think I have sex addiction. I took a survey and it came back saying I have all the symptoms." I was conflicted. I don't know what to believe. Sex addiction is growing as far as being legit but not all psychiatrists agree it's a real disease. Several friends told me it is indeed a real problem and that my DH admitted to it shows he's ready for help. Perhaps I was being too stubborn after being hurt again because I basically convinced him that he didn't have a sex addiction problem but an ego one.

I wish I could explain how good he treats myself and our children outside of his extra-curricular activities. He was my source of strength when I went through a really tough period a few years ago, when I went through a terrible religious experience. It's so hard for me to forget the good times, the wonderful memories, etc. He's nothing like the man in the emails I saw. You probably feel I'm stupid by now, and I'd understand if you do...I forgave again. Then, four days ago he forgot to sign out of his online email program, the same one I use, and I saw the following: "I love you baby. Here you go", along with pictures of himself to one of the women I caught him emailing last October. I told him I want a divorce because I can't take this anymore. Again he broke down and brought up sex-addiction. I haven't changed my mind about getting divorced, but because I'm in love with him and our children love their dad, I question whether it's a good idea if indeed he truly has a problem. He told me he wants help, but I don't know if I have the strength to last while he does.

- Mrs. Wife of a Habitual Adulterer

Dear Mrs. Wife of a Habitual Adulterer:

First off, I do NOT think you are stupid. Hurt, confused, and conflicted quickly come to mind, but not stupid. Being deceived and betrayed by your husband - the one person that you are supposed to be able to count on for the rest of your life - has got to be extremely painful, emotional and confusing, especially if he's been playing Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. With that said I suggest that you take the time to seek professional help before you make any final, life-altering decisions. I'm not a therapist nor a doctor but I do know that his behavior is not conducive for a healthy marriage and no one should have to deal with such painful indiscretions. Seek therapy so that you can try to make clear, levelheaded decisions to do what's best for you and your children. Discuss sexual addiction with the professional and draw your conclusions from facts not emotions. Stay strong, hold your head high and always remember that you are worthy of honesty, loyalty and respect. Sending you strength, prayers and positive thoughts.

Winks & Smiles,

Calling in the troops ... ladies (and gentlemen), any words of wisdom or encouragement? Has anyone had to deal with a cheating spouse? Do you stay or do you go? Can a marriage survive infidelity? Wounded wives want to know ...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Married to a Football Fanatic

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My husband practically begged me to take an interest in football, his favorite sport, but since I have he’s constantly telling me to be quiet while we’re watching a game. I’m only asking questions so I can learn. I’m trying to be a good wife, but I don’t think I’ll make it past preseason if he doesn’t stop shushing me. What am I supposed to do?

- Mrs. Married to a Football Fanatic

Dear Mrs. Married to a Football Fanatic:

From the wife of one fanatic to another, I understand. My husband, an ex-college player, gave me free reign on planning our wedding except it absolutely could not be during football season, especially the Saturday that Florida plays Florida State. Fortunately for me, I like football, but that wasn’t always the case. Kudos to you for trying to learn more about your husband’s favorite sport.

I definitely suggest knowing some of the basics before you sit down on the 50 yard line with him. You don’t have to go overboard and know how to call plays in the huddle, but you should know what a play and a huddle are. And, you shouldn’t ask him in the middle of a game. Unless, he is so removed from both teams, giving you a tutorial while trying to watch it will more than likely kill his joy – and yours. Instead do a little research on your own, then you can sporadically ask him the more advance questions, leaving him impressed with your new found knowledge. Actress and former NFL wife Holly Robinson Peete wrote a fun and informative book, Get Your Own Damn Beer, I’m Watching the Game!: A Woman’s Guide to Loving Pro Football, which I highly recommend. The internet is another great way to become familiar with your husband’s favorite game.

Marrying a sports fanatic can present its share of challenges. For more tips on Surviving the Games, the Boys and your Beer Stained Carpet check out that chapter (number eight) in my book, Help! I’m a Newlywed…What Do I Do Now? (Gasp! Shameless plug here.) Yes, I dedicated an entire chapter to it!

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Are you married to a sports fanatic? How do you handle it? Sidelined wives want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

First Year Fighting

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I am 23 years old and newly married, it just turned a year on June 25th but the kicker is that we have not told anyone yet. Yes, you read correctly, no one knows and that was deliberate. I have known my husband for just about all of my life and we have always wanted to get married. I initially thought that it was a horrible thing I did but then we discussed why we did what we did it couldn't have made more sense. I believe that the wedding ceremony too often becomes about everyone else except for the bride and groom. Yes, everyone comes to YOUR bachelorette, and bachelor party, and yes every one brings YOU gifts and comes to YOUR wedding/reception but I think all of that a lot of times ends up being just another part of the show that society says "we have to" put on. Frankly, we wanted no part in what "society" said was the way to do it. We decided to spend the first couple of years without any outside influence to try and get accustomed to each other without worrying about what mom or dad are saying or anyone else for that matter had to say.

Though we decided to take this route I still have questions and wanted to find out what is normal and what is not. I can't really talk to any of the female friends I do have because none of them are married so sometimes I feel alone. Which is odd because that is usually one of the main reasons why people get married. So I have a lot of questions but I would like to start of with this question first....Is it normal to fight and argue a lot in your first year of marriage? Now this is very unusual for us because when we were just dating and best friends we never argued or fought but since we've gotten married things just seem to be a lot more complicated! I believe with all my heart that this man is the man I am suppose to be with but sometimes it feels like we're on different pages. I come from a broken family who was split up when my mom's ex husband cheated on her. That divorce has come with a lot of pain and heartache and I know that I carry a lot of wounds from it and have allowed it to transfer into this relationship. Anyways, I do not mean to bore you with all the detail but if you have any advice or insight you can give at all that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

- Mrs. First Year Fighting

Dear Mrs. First Year Fighting:

Congratulations on your marriage and your first anniversary! While the newlywed year is filled with love, excitement and joy it can also be challenging, at times awkward, and down right scary. It's perfectly normal to experience a wide range of emotions and yes, it is also normal to fight and argue during your first year of marriage. You are not alone! Millions of women get married every year and millions of them have questions about being married. It doesn't mean that they don't love their husbands or don't like being married.

The first year is filled with adjustments. While some new wives experience minimal turbulence, the majority buckle their seat belts and ride out the bumps along the way. Even though you've known your husband your whole life, your relationship is different now that you're married. Marriage does change things, but “change” does not have to be bad. Being someone's girlfriend is different than being someone's wife. Physically, emotionally and legally you are tied to someone else for the rest of your life. That's a big commitment and bound to stir up some comforting and frightening feelings. Don't panic and don't expect to figure everything out overnight. Take a deep breath, build on your strong foundation, and make sure to communicate.

Kudos to you for recognizing the impact your parents' divorce has on your life but don't allow it to transfer into your relationship. Dealing with those feelings honestly and early in your relationship could help ward off potential problems. Please check back in. I'd love to hear how things progress and about your family's reaction once they learn you're married.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? What was your newlywed year like? Happy? Excited? Scared? All of the above? New wives want to know...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Sleep Deprived

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My husband snores so bad it's killing me. We didn’t move in together until after the wedding. I knew he snored, but I didn’t know how badly. It's three months later and I have yet to sleep through the entire night. I can’t be the only one with a snoring husband, please tell me what to do so I can get some sleep.

- Mrs. Sleep Deprived

Dear Mrs. Sleep Deprived:

From a woman who loves her sleep, I feel for you. Your husband’s snoring might not only be killing you, but him, too. I don’t mean to scare you, but I do suggest that you talk to your husband about seeing a doctor. If his snoring is as consistent and disruptive as it sounds, he might have a medical condition like sleep apnea that can be treated or possibly controlled if diagnosed properly. I am not a doctor but I do know that there can be some serious health risks associated with snoring and I strongly encourage for you to check with your physician. Hopefully your doctor will rule out anything serious, and might be able to put an end to, or at least lessen your snoring woes. In the meantime, you might want to invest in a good pair of earplugs to help get you through the night.

Winks & Smiles,

How about you? Do you or your spouse snore? How do you deal with it? Sleep deprived spouses want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...

Out of the Box Girl

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My mother and I don't connect. I'm trying to explain to her the way I feel things or react to issues, but she doesn't seem to understand my feelings or views on these things. She often says I'm an "out of the box" kind of person. How can I approach her so that she can understand me better and we can go back to having a close relationship with each other?

-Out of the Box Girl

Dear Out of the Box Girl:

First, know that you are not alone. Many mothers and daughters don’t always see eye-to-eye which can lead to difficulty connecting. Feeling misunderstood can be frustrating and create distance in your relationship, but it doesn’t have to. Kudos to you for wanting to approach this correctly. How you speak to your mother can definitely affect the outcome of your conversation. It sounds like you’ve tried to explain yourself already. Were you patient and honest in your conversation? Not pointing figures at your mother, but using phrases like “this is how I feel” or “I do this because” instead of “you make me feel” or “you are the reason I do this” will help keep her from getting defensive.

Try and talk to your mother when you are not in the heat of the moment, both of you might be too excited to hear each other clearly. Take her to lunch and let her know how important she is to you and that you’d like her to consider your point of view. Be prepared with positive examples and know what message you’d like to convey. Once you’ve done that respect her right to disagree. Unfortunately, you cannot MAKE her see things your way – and that’s OK. Sometimes in life we have to take a big girl pill, agree to disagree and let things go – especially with our mamas. Hopefully, she’ll meet you in the middle, but unless your disagreement is a deal-breaker, understand that she’s just not understanding, love her anyway and let it go.

Winks & Smiles

How about you? Do you connect with your mother? How do you approach her? Darling daughters want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

Read more...