Friday’s Confession …
I cooked dinner tonight for the first time in … um, a long time.
So, Paula Deen might be a bit of a stretch since I just made some spaghetti – but I did add ground turkey meat to the sauce that I doctored up after I poured it out of the jar – ahem. Look, it’s more than what’s been happening at Wifey’s House, but trust me everyone is being fed. Thank God for pre-cooked rotisserie chicken.
Between traveling, writing, event planning, the kids, the house, the dog, tennis, marathon training, did I mention Husband in there? Who am I kidding, you all know better than anyone else how life can have you spinning in circles. By the end of the day all I want to do is this:
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey's House
Friday’s Confession …
Apparently, I took this …
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
Friday’s Confession ...
When I first started Wifey’s House every Friday, for some strange reason, I felt compelled to tell on myself about something I probably shouldn’t have thought, said or done. Go figure. Well, here I go again.
Yesterday I was quizzing my son on his multiplication tables and caught him trying to sneak a peek at his notebook when he didn’t know an answer.
“We don’t cheat,” I told him sternly. “I’d rather have you get it wrong, than cheat.”
I stood on my soapbox for a few seconds longer.
“Did you hear me?” I asked my 6-year-old daughter.
“Yes, mommy.”
“OK, I just want to be clear. We don’t cheat – ever!”
And then I sat down, held my breath and waited for the lightening to strike. Coincidentally it was raining in Atlanta, but God must’ve had bigger fish to fry because I never saw the bolt.
I confess, I cheated on a math test in the 6th grade. Sorry Mrs. Kolinski. No, I wasn’t a serial cheater, but I did look to the left during that particular test and changed my answer to match the girl’s next to me. I was wrong, I felt bad and I quickly learned my lesson. The girl’s answer was incorrect and my original one was right.
*insert sigh here*
Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Now I feel better and can tell my children not to cheat with a guilty clear conscience. Did I share with them the blemish on my record? Um, no. Maybe one day I will, when they are old enough not to hold it against me.
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
Murderer!
That’s what they all would yell – if they could talk. I sort of wish they could so they could stop me from killing each new one I get my hands on. Here they are, my latest victims:
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
For Real. I did it for the kids. I stopped at the store on my way home from tennis practice to pick up a few things and realized that the kids didn’t have any of these …
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
Husband and I received an invitation this week to come to the Media Center at Miles’ school to hear him read a story that he wrote at the Authors’ Breakfast. The Authors’ Breakfast gives a few students from each class (this week was the third grade) the opportunity to share their work in front of their parents and peers as they are recognized for outstanding writing.
Yes ya’ll I was more than thrilled. As I writer I LOVE my son’s interest in reading and creating his own stories. I’m definitely a proud mama and not afraid to show it.
As the program began we listened to several children come up and read wonderful stories about random topics including healthy eating and the importance of vegetables, the history of The White House, an essay on Benjamin Franklin and why football is one child’s favorite sport. I wondered what Miles wrote about. Maybe Martin Luther King, Jr. or the time he met MLK, Jr.’s sister. When they called Miles’ name, my chest poked out a little and it took everything I had not to yell out, that’s my son!
When he started his story titled “White Water,” I was beaming as he recounted a trip we took with our neighbor to the popular water park this past summer. His sentences flowed, he was speaking confidently and then things went a little, ahem, … left.
A little mindless marriage humor I found surfing the web … and proof, ahem, the silent treatment doesn’t work.
“A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 a.m. for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 a.m.’ He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 a.m. and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 a.m. Wake up.’"
How about you? Do you and your husband ever play the silent game? Quiet wives want to know ...
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
Yes, I could probably come up with more than 1000 reasons why I need a wife … and a chef, a housekeeper, a driver, a personal assistant, a laundry attendant, a nanny and a clone of myself since I do all these things and more. After looking at the long list of things I do daily, I decided if I had a wife (like me) I could possibly relax a little. Then I woke up … and started this list.
Here’s reason #702:
To Make Sure Husband Doesn’t Scare the Bejeezus Out of the Kids When I’m Not Home
I called Husband on the way home from tennis practice last night and asked him if the kids went to sleep alright and if they put the tooth my daughter, Milan, lost earlier in the day under her pillow.
Husband: “Yeah, they're fine but they did go to sleep a little late.”
Red flag number one.
Husband: “We didn’t put Milan’s tooth under her pillow cause she didn’t know what you did with the tooth and she didn’t know if the Tooth Fairy would come since she’s sleeping on the floor.”
Red flag number two.
Me: “Um, why is Milan sleeping on the floor?”
Husband: “Because she told me that bed bugs aren’t real, and I told her they are.”
Red flags number three through ten.
Me: “What?”
Husband: “She said ‘don’t let the bed bugs bite’ is just a saying and I told her that there really are bed bugs.”
Me: “Are you kidding me?”
Husband: “No, I didn’t want to lie to the girl.”
Me: “Um, dear, she’s six.”
Oh, but wait, it gets better.
Husband: “She was fine until she saw the picture.”
This is the point in the conversation where I almost dropped the phone.
Me: “You’re kidding me, right? You didn’t really show her a picture, did you?”
Husband: “Yes, I did. Hey, do you know what bed bugs look like?”
*Insert loud sigh here.*
Husband: “Do you?”
Me: “They look like ticks, dear.”
Husband: “Very good, that’s right.”
Ugh. Where is my wife when I need her?
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
Just because Husband earned some cool points by cleaning the house while I was away at Disney doesn’t mean that he earned the right to scare the bejeezus out of me. Apparently, he thought it be cute to leave a little surprise for me in the closet:
That’s just wrong, right? The volume is kind of low on the video but, trust me, that thing screams loud in person.
How about your family? Do you trick or treat … or try to scare the bejeezus out of each other, too? Scary wives want to know ...
Have a Safe and Happy Halloween!
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
A little mindless marriage humor
I saw this online and thought how terrible, then I laughed.
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $8,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $250.”
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $8,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $250?” The man replied, “A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey's House
A little mindless marriage humor
Someone e-mailed me this little gem and I just had to share ...
Pants and Panties
Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."
"Hmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine." Mike did and said, "I can't get into your panties." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
A little mindless marriage humor
One of Husband’s male friends e-mailed this to him and in turn he forwarded it to me. Coincidentally, he sent it on a night that I was desperately trying to bite my tongue and not start a fight …
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
One year a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year he didn't buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started...
My wife walked into the den and asked "What’s on the TV?"I replied "Dust.”And that's how the fight started...
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”And that's how the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a scale. And that's how the fight started...
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, "the kitchen?”And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then asked, “Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, just simply said “Yes.”So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”And that's how the fight started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.”And that's how the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”And that's how the fight started...
I'm not sure who to credit these little gems to but they sure have a good sense of humor … and hopefully a good marriage, too.
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
Yes, I could probably come up with more than 1000 reasons why I need a wife … and a chef, a housekeeper, a driver, a personal assistant, a laundry attendant, a nanny and a clone of myself since I do all these things and more. After looking at the long list of things I do daily, I decided if I had a wife (like me) I could possibly relax a little. Then I woke up … and started this list.
Here’s reason #989:
To Watch the Kids so I can Grocery Shop in Peace
Yes, Husband is normally helpful in this situation but he was at work and for some strange reason I waited until there was absolutely nothing in the house to eat to go grocery shopping so I was forced to brave the store with the kids – alone. Big mistake for my personal sanity. While I’d like to front that everything is always orderly at Wifey’s House, that’s just not the case. Yes, you might see me in the grocery store with well behaved kids, but that’s only after I’ve threatened, several times, to send them straight to bed when we get home if they don’t straighten up and act right. And, yes I do make good on most of my threats, ahem. Where do you think my kids are right now as I’m writing this?
If I had a wife I would ask her nicely to watch the kids for me so I could go to the grocery store in peace. Truthfully, I’d probably ask her to do the grocery shopping for me but that’s another reason (#763), and another post.
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
See what happens when I let Husband loose in the grocery store …
I end up with a crate full of corn in my refrigerator.
48 ears to be exact. That’s just two shy of 50. What am I going to do with 50 ears of corn? And, why did he buy all that?
“It was on sale for $12.”
Duh.
I love corn and Husband knows this so I truly appreciate his thoughtfulness … and the 48 ears of corn.
Anyone have any good recipes? Fritters? Cornbread? Cornmeal?
Winks & Smiles,
A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House
This is a conversation I had with my 5 year-old daughter, Milan, about Mother’s Day:
Milan: I know what I’m getting you for Mother’s Day.
Me: Really?
Milan: Yes, but I can’t tell you. It’s a SURPRISE!
Me: OK.
Milan: It starts with a “D.”
So much for surprises.
Me: Really?
Milan: DIAMONDS!
Me: Nice. Love them.
Milan: Oh, but I don’t have any money. Can YOU give me some?
How about you? What do you want to buy yourself for Mother’s Day? ATM Mama’s want to know …
Winks & Smiles,
Yesterday I took my 5 year-old daughter to a birthday party here ...
I’m still in desperate need of this ...
and these ...
to recover.
How about you? What’s your favorite, ahem, children’s party place? And, how do you survive the soiree? Partying mom’s want to know …
Winks & Smiles,
A sneak peek inside Wifey’s House
When Husband told me he wanted to attend sunrise service this Easter I was pleased – it’s such a beautiful affair – but dreaded the thought of getting everyone up, dressed and out the door, meltdown free, for 6 a.m. service. It didn’t help that my neighbor had a get-together the night before and the kids didn’t reach their beds until 11 p.m.
I know. (insert disapproving headshake here).
To my surprise both kids and Husband popped up smiling, ready for the candlelight service and the shrimp and grits breakfast that followed. Feeling relieved that my worst fears of bringing sleep-deprived children to church at the crack of dawn on the holiest day of the year didn’t come true, I settled into the pew – ready to hear the good word and say a few amen’s – so I’m sure you can imagine how horrified I felt when midway through the sermon I looked over at my kids and saw this …
Gasp!
Then this …
Gasp! Gasp!
Yes, both of my children were knocked out, sleepin’ in sunrise service. I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry or sneak out of the pew so I did what any respectable mother would do – I took pictures of them.
How about you? Have your children ever fallen asleep during an inappropriate time? What did you do? Mortified mamas want to know …
Winks & Smiles,
In honor of March Madness, I thought this would be appropriate:
Ten signs of a sports fanatic...
Your husband’s score is determined by how many signs apply to him. Give your hubby one point for every behavior that applies.
1. He watches ESPN's SportsCenter more than three times in a row. SportsCenter, a daily sports news show, often re-airs the same show several times a day until the next one is produced. It's like watching the same Entertainment Tonight more than once.
2. He listens to sports radio every time he’s in the car and thinks the “2 Live Stews" should run for political office. The “2 Live Stews" are two brothers who have one of the most popular nationally syndicated sports talk shows in the country. Think The View for men — hot topics and all.
3. He’s superstitious and has to wear his team’s jersey, baseball hat, underwear, socks or some sort of paraphernalia while watching the game. He’ll even pull it out of the dirty laundry if it’s not clean. OK, I’m not telling on Napoleon here, but let’s just say I can vouch for this one from firsthand experience.
4. If his team loses, you can pretty much forget the romantic dinner that you planned for later. His mood is ruined as if he missed the game-winning field goal himself.
5. His idea of the perfect trip is traveling across country by plane, train or automobile to tailgate (enjoy barbecue and beer) in the parking lot of the stadium where his favorite team plays even if he doesn’t have tickets to go in and see the game. Being in the parking lot is enough for him.
6. He really can’t understand why his team’s bean bag, blanket, throw pillows, lamp and football-shaped clock do not go with the decor of your living room. Refer to the Living Together chapter; this is exactly why every man should have his own space in your home.
7. He can’t remember your birth date, how old his mother is, or to pick up the dry-cleaning on his way home from work, but he can tell you who won the 1982 Super Bowl (the San Francisco 49ers) and recite all of the game statistics, including who quarterbacked, how many yards he threw for, what the defense did, and give you an announcer’s style descriptive play-by-play of the entire game.
8. He thinks NASCAR would be a great name for your first child. Boy or girl.
9. He seriously suggested borrowing against his 401k or taking out a second mortgage on your house to buy one season ticket for his favorite team. One. That means even if you want to, you don’t get to go.
10. He enters every “biggest fan” contest dying for the opportunity to live out his childhood (and grown-man) fantasies — stepping into the batter’s box and slugging a homerun out of the ballpark; throwing that halftime, half-court basketball shot in front of thousands of screaming fans; or receiving a kick and returning it the entire length of the football field.
See how your husband scores.
1-3 is mild — Consider yourself lucky and go with the flow.
4-7, moderate — It can get pretty intense, but be patient and set parameters. Give his favorite sport a try or take advantage of the time to do something for yourself.
8 or more, maniac — Your man has the potential to get out of control. You and your husband need to come up with “game rules” to keep him and you from going crazy. If you two can’t communicate and compromise effectively — in the off season so that he can be objective — seek a referee or professional help, and pray that his team has a winning season.
Winks & Smiles,
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