Do I Stay or Do I Go?

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Wifey’s Q and A

Dear Wifey:

 I’m a 27 year-old insurance agent raising a beautiful little girl. I am still in a relationship with my child’s father. We live together and are trying to do the best we can. I feel that living in sin for too long is unwise to say the least but it also is killing my spirit. My man is 32 and I think by this age he should know what he wants. When I asked him about the topic of marriage he said “bluntly” that he doesn’t think about it. Now don’t get me wrong I love him and he loves me. But I am at a point where I am draining myself. We have been together three years and our child is 1. He has issues with us living together. When we get into a “discussion” he will bring up that he doesn’t want to live in the house I picked out, that he wants to live on his own. He thinks he can take care of us without being in the household. I think that he feels less than a man because I was struggling and had to move quickly; and at that time he said he was going to get his own apartment. I felt alone so I did what needed to be done. Now, fast forward he moved in and it’s been good. At this point he gets all of me as if we were married. I cook, I clean, I do the dang thing. LOL. I guess my point is how to deal? Do I stay true to him although he has a “double mind?” I know that being in a relationship isn’t easy; I know it takes hard work and dedication, but when do you say when?

When is the best time to let go and if it’s true let it come back to you? We live together so that’s easier said than done. I really want to get back into me. Get to being the best “me” I can be. And honestly I’m not; I could be a better mother, friend. I could be better physically and mentally. But I’m consumed with thoughts of marriage and living right.

Help.

- Mrs. To-Be?

Dear Mrs. To-Be?

It sounds like you and your man have two different views on your relationship and marriage. While spouses don’t have to agree on everything, sharing the same goals, vision and desires when it comes to your partnership is critical in making it work. You are correct, a relationship does take hard work and dedication; and you both should be clear about what you are working towards. It sounds like he’s communicated his desires with you, but have you shared your wants and needs with him? Don’t assume he knows. Tell him how you feel, what you need and why. Before you let go consider counseling. Sometimes a third, unbiased party can help two people find common ground.

Kudos to you for recognizing that you want to “get back to me.” No one can give their best to a relationship or marriage if they are consumed with it, drained and not happy with themselves. Take some time to focus on you. As you gain strength and peace within yourself, clarity will come, too.

Winks & Smiles,

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Calling in the troops. Any “wives” words? Share your wisdom. Wives in-waiting want to know …

3 comments:

~Mommy+Me~ January 27, 2010 at 7:07 PM  

I agree with Wifey, I think if you don't see eye to eye on these crucial details and important parts of your relationship it's not going to work out. I know what you mean about it being so complicated and hard to walk away since you live together, but it also sounds like he may never live up to be the man/husband that you want him to be. I also agree that if you can get him to agree you should definitely consider counseling before you throw in the towel. Good Luck!

Jen @ After The Alter January 28, 2010 at 11:47 AM  

I think you have to do what makes you happy. Not everyone is meant to be married, but if it's what you REALLY want then you have to sit back and reevaluate. You don't want to look back 10 years from now or even 5 and look with regret...You can't always make him happy. But if your situation makes you happy, then that's what is important.

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