Husband 1.0
Friday, February 27, 2009
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
I wish I could take credit for writing this little gem, but it was passed on to me – author unknown – via e-mail. How’s your Husband 1.0 running?
Winks & Smiles,
14 comments:
Are there upgrades available for Husband 1.0? Or better yet is there a Mind Reading Beta program available for me to upload myself? *sigh*
Ooh, a Mind Reading Beta program would be perfect! Smiles!
That is so funny. Yesterday and I said to my hubby "You're supposed to know what I'm thinkin". I'm with Cairo
This is HILARIOUS and so true. I GOTTA share this much needed Tech Support.
LMBO...This was an excellent way to get in a great afternoon laugh. Too funny!
I love that "Desparate" is instructed to get the Cooking 3.0 & Hot Lingerie 7.7 software!
Thanks for sharing LaVendar.
smooches,
Larie
Where's my drink? Waitress????
Yep, Nagging 5.3 only causes further slowdowns and should be uninstalled immediately to prevent total crashing... What fun!
Thanks for the comments, ladies!
I got a big kick out of this, too! Especially the first line - Boyfriend/entertainment, Husband/operating system. Right.
Oh, and Vodka Mom, I think drinks are in order for everyone - smiles!
Funny....I love the analogy!
that was good
Dear Mocha Dad,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the Watching Sports and Making Out applications which operated flawlessly under Girlfriend 5.0.
In addition, Wife 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Adulation 9.5 and Steak Dinner 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as Oprah 5.0, Quinoa 1.0 and Flannel Pajamas 4.1. Victoria Secret 4.0 no longer runs, and UFC 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried logging into flowers.com to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
Wife 1.0 is a delicate operating system that is prone to cycles of crashing and rebooting. The code for this program is quite complex and for some reason, men never fully understand it.
First of all never type in a command. Wife 1.0 doesn’t respond well to commands. You will receive the error message “I’m Not Your Child.”
Just as it did on Girlfriend 5.0, the Conversation 8.0 program works really well on Wife 1.0. But the program seems to work best when you are trying to watch the game, hang out with your buds or take a nap. However, if you become proficient with the Conversion 8.0, you’ll have no problem getting the Sex 101.2 to operate.
Speaking of the Sex 101.2 program, it is also highly unpredictable. It may seem to be working fine, and then all of a sudden it will shut down for no apparent reason. Try to running the “I’ll Wash the Dishes and Take Out the Trash Without Your Asking Me To” boot disc to restore the program. If that doesn’t work, try running the Conversation 8.0 program again. If all of your efforts fail, you will have to resort to running Just Hold Me 5.0. The Sex 101.2 is prone to viruses such as the I Have a Headache Virus and the I’m Too Tired Virus. The program can be rendered inoperable for months if the Kids 1.0 virus is unleashed.
Wife 1.0 is preinstalled with Nagging 5.3. Delete this program immediately because it is nuisance software that doesn’t really accomplish anything.
If you ever encounter an error message that says “Do I Look Fat?” call technical support immediately. Only trained professionals can deal with this error. An incorrect response on your part could corrupt Sex 101.2 and Cooking 3.0 and activate Cold Shoulder 3.9.
In summary, Wife 1.0 is a great operating system, but it is complex and hard to understand. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I recommend Housework 1.0, Chick Flick 9.0 and Diamonds 3.7.
Good Luck!
Mocha Dad
Touche, Mocha Dad! I love it! Thanks for giving us insight into the other side.
Winks & Smiles,
Wifey
Okay, here's what you do-run the Cohabitation Trial Software. If you decide to upgrade to Matrimony 1.0, promptly install the Empathy 3.0 Virus Scan with Communication VIII upgraded capabilities. It removes malware [anything based on the Manipulation 2.0 platform] AND gives up to the minute upgrade information to optimize performance.
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