First Year Fighting

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Wifey's Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

I am 23 years old and newly married, it just turned a year on June 25th but the kicker is that we have not told anyone yet. Yes, you read correctly, no one knows and that was deliberate. I have known my husband for just about all of my life and we have always wanted to get married. I initially thought that it was a horrible thing I did but then we discussed why we did what we did it couldn't have made more sense. I believe that the wedding ceremony too often becomes about everyone else except for the bride and groom. Yes, everyone comes to YOUR bachelorette, and bachelor party, and yes every one brings YOU gifts and comes to YOUR wedding/reception but I think all of that a lot of times ends up being just another part of the show that society says "we have to" put on. Frankly, we wanted no part in what "society" said was the way to do it. We decided to spend the first couple of years without any outside influence to try and get accustomed to each other without worrying about what mom or dad are saying or anyone else for that matter had to say.

Though we decided to take this route I still have questions and wanted to find out what is normal and what is not. I can't really talk to any of the female friends I do have because none of them are married so sometimes I feel alone. Which is odd because that is usually one of the main reasons why people get married. So I have a lot of questions but I would like to start of with this question first....Is it normal to fight and argue a lot in your first year of marriage? Now this is very unusual for us because when we were just dating and best friends we never argued or fought but since we've gotten married things just seem to be a lot more complicated! I believe with all my heart that this man is the man I am suppose to be with but sometimes it feels like we're on different pages. I come from a broken family who was split up when my mom's ex husband cheated on her. That divorce has come with a lot of pain and heartache and I know that I carry a lot of wounds from it and have allowed it to transfer into this relationship. Anyways, I do not mean to bore you with all the detail but if you have any advice or insight you can give at all that would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

- Mrs. First Year Fighting

Dear Mrs. First Year Fighting:

Congratulations on your marriage and your first anniversary! While the newlywed year is filled with love, excitement and joy it can also be challenging, at times awkward, and down right scary. It's perfectly normal to experience a wide range of emotions and yes, it is also normal to fight and argue during your first year of marriage. You are not alone! Millions of women get married every year and millions of them have questions about being married. It doesn't mean that they don't love their husbands or don't like being married.

The first year is filled with adjustments. While some new wives experience minimal turbulence, the majority buckle their seat belts and ride out the bumps along the way. Even though you've known your husband your whole life, your relationship is different now that you're married. Marriage does change things, but “change” does not have to be bad. Being someone's girlfriend is different than being someone's wife. Physically, emotionally and legally you are tied to someone else for the rest of your life. That's a big commitment and bound to stir up some comforting and frightening feelings. Don't panic and don't expect to figure everything out overnight. Take a deep breath, build on your strong foundation, and make sure to communicate.

Kudos to you for recognizing the impact your parents' divorce has on your life but don't allow it to transfer into your relationship. Dealing with those feelings honestly and early in your relationship could help ward off potential problems. Please check back in. I'd love to hear how things progress and about your family's reaction once they learn you're married.

Winks & Smiles,

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How about you? What was your newlywed year like? Happy? Excited? Scared? All of the above? New wives want to know...

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.


Anonymous,  August 13, 2009 at 9:09 AM  

I agree with Wifey whole heartedly. I always say the first year you are jockeying for position. You both were your own people and now you are a couple and the two become one. It will all dither out. I always say, once you make it past the 3 year mark you are good to go.

Congratulations on your marriage and let us know what happens when you do tell the family.

Justice Ny August 13, 2009 at 3:45 PM  

I agree with Wifey too. The first year was rough ('s six years now and it's still rough). I don't want to discourage anyone, but as you grow together there will inevitably be changes and those changes bring discomfort and sometime discord. It's perfectly normal and the journey is filled with hills and valleys - just make sure that you enjoys the ups and work through the downs. Also, someone told me once if you're up more than down then you're on the right path.

Felicia - I complete Me August 13, 2009 at 4:34 PM  

I do believe that for most the first year of marriage is hard. Luckily for me our first year was a bit hard but could be worst. I am greatful for the premarital counseling we had before hand. Maybe you guys need to sit down and ask each other what do you expect from your wife or husband. As wifey said being someone's girlfriend is different and the expectations are different as well. Also, ask how you guys want to handle your finances, raising children, house chores, etc. All the things that seem little are usually the things that causes big fights. I feel when you communicate about these things and know each other's expectations, likes and dislikes in regards to marriage it makes things smoother, not necessarily easier but smoother. Congrats on the marraige and God Bless.

Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) August 13, 2009 at 5:56 PM  

My first year of marriage was - by far - the toughest!

joanofalltrades August 13, 2009 at 9:28 PM  

Great advice Wifey! I wonder when she will tell her family. I think it helps to have someone to talk to but you can't even no one else knows. I spent a lot of time with my husband during our first year of marriage and it really brought us closer together.

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