Dinner Guest

A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House

A little mindless marriage humor …

It’s Monday … and I figured we could all use a good laugh.

"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?” responded the wife. "The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that," says the husband.

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Winks & Smiles,

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Mother-In-Law Madness

A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House

A little mindless marriage humor

I saw this online and thought how terrible, then I laughed.

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $8,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $250.”

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $8,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only $250?” The man replied, “A man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”

Winks & Smiles,

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Pants and Panties

A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey's House

A little mindless marriage humor

Someone e-mailed me this little gem and I just had to share ...

Pants and Panties

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''' She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night, we have never had any problems."

"Hmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, "Here, try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine." Mike did and said, "I can't get into your panties." Karen said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will."

Winks & Smiles,

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And That's How the Fight Started

A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House

A little mindless marriage humor

One of Husband’s male friends e-mailed this to him and in turn he forwarded it to me. Coincidentally, he sent it on a night that I was desperately trying to bite my tongue and not start a fight …

AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

One year a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year he didn't buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started...

My wife walked into the den and asked "What’s on the TV?"I replied "Dust.”And that's how the fight started...

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight's damn near perfect.”And that's how the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a scale. And that's how the fight started...

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!” she said. So I suggested, "the kitchen?”And that's how the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered. I then asked, “Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, just simply said “Yes.”So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a friend.”And that's how the fight started...

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too.”And that's how the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”And that's how the fight started...

I'm not sure who to credit these little gems to but they sure have a good sense of humor … and hopefully a good marriage, too.

Winks & Smiles,

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Daddy's Girl - Round Two

A Sneak Peek Inside Wifey’s House

When I sat down to write this Father’s Day post I read the one from last year and thought, “how am I going to top this one?” Then I realized, I don’t have to. It’s a sweet tribute to my favorite (and only) Dad, it’s one of my favorite posts, and most of you haven’t read it yet. Perfect. Well almost.

While I included a picture of Husband in the post I really didn’t share what a wonderful father he’s become. He’s loving, patient, authoritative, fun, dedicated, (this list could go on and on)… and most importantly an excellent role model for our children. I’m so proud of him, love him dearly, and appreciate all that he does for our family.

Now, without further ado:

Daddy’s Girl

Friday’s confession …

OK, I admit it, at 38 years-old, I’m still a bit of a daddy’s girl. Yes, I actually even call him “daddy” from time to time. And while he thought he got rid of me when he walked me down the aisle, he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Yes, I’m all grown up now and have the husband, kids, dog and even a little white picket fence. And while I must say it’s nice to relate to him on an adult level, to talk, socialize and even share a beer with my dad, they’ll always be apart of me that’s still his little girl. The one he gave horsy rides on his back when he came home from work; and taught to count in Spanish when he tucked me into bed; and coached my softball team when we lived in Colorado, and came to all my basketball games even though I wouldn’t jump for the rebounds; and taught how to drive in the parking lot of the local college so I could get my license at 16… the list could go on and on.

While I cherish all of my childhood memories, some of my favorite times are happening right now when I see my dad with my children. Sometimes when he and Milan are together, I see me, twenty, ahem, thirty years ago. Wow.


My dad “GP” and Milan


Me and my daddy


My “baby daddy.” I couldn’t resist.


My father-in-law with Miles. We miss you Pop Pop.

What about you? Are there any other daddy’s girls in the house? Ladies, do tell; and dads, have a very happy Father’s Day!

Winks & Smiles,

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Husband's Messy Room

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My husband has his “own room” in our house which was an extra bedroom that he’s converted into his den/office/computer room. I normally don’t go in there much but needed to use his computer and was horrified at the mess. It was a pigsty! How do I get him to clean it up?

- Mrs. Husband’s Messy Room

Dear Mrs. Husband’s Messy Room:

You don’t. It’s his room, right? One of the perks of having your “own room” is keeping it the way you want – even if it’s a pigsty. I assume it has a door. If it doesn’t that might be a good investment. Otherwise, don’t bother him about the way he keeps his room. As long as there are no living things growing in there and he doesn’t leave food around, let him be. You don’t go in there much, remember? He’ll eventually clean it up when he can’t find something that he’s looking for or if he’s having the guys over and needs some space for them. Besides, you probably have the run of the rest of the house anyway. Be happy the mess is contained to a room you can avoid and let it go.

Winks & Smiles,

Does your husband have his own room? Is it a pigsty? How do you get him to clean it up? Wondering wives want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

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Dinnertime Drama – Done!

Around 5 p.m. everyday I constantly find myself in a panic to pull dinner together before Husband gets home. Yes, my secret is out – I suffer from dinnertime drama.

For those of you who have dinner mapped out months in advance and place well-balanced meals on the table promptly at 6 p.m., I bow down to your greatness. For the rest of us, ahem, who balk when the question, “What’s for dinner?” is asked, I’ve got the perfect solution to end dinnertime drama. Actually, I’ve got three.

The good folks at A Flash In The Pan have given me THREE one year memberships to giveaway to celebrate the re-launch of their website.



What is A Flash In The Pan?

A Flash In The Pan is the perfect answer to, "What’s for dinner?" Every Friday, they provide a week’s worth of customizable, chef-created dinner menus for the upcoming week. Select how many servings and what time you want to eat and they’ll take care of the rest! You’ll get a shopping list and our patented Cooksheet™ to help you think and cook like a chef. All you have to do is prepare for the compliments!

I don’t know who was happier when I discovered A Flash In The Pan – me or husband!

Here’s how to win a one year membership (remember, I’ve got three of them to giveaway):

Leave me a comment about your dinnertime drama – or lack of. Yes, A Flash In The Pan is still perfect for those domesticated divas that have all of their ducks in a row.

To earn additional entries you can:

1. Follow my blog or subscribe via RSS feed (click the button of your choice on the sidebar).
2. Visit A Flash In The Pan and leave me a comment here telling me one of their professional chefs’ names.
3. Twitter about the contest and link to this post.
4. Write a post about the contest on your blog and link back to this post.

The contest will stay open until Monday, April 20 at 11:59 p.m. EST and the winner will be chosen via random.org.

Simple, right? But wait, there’s more!

A Flash In The Pan is having a Twitter Party on Wednesday, April 22 at 8 p.m.(#FIPan) and will giveaway their grand prize:

One lucky winner will win two of the founders of aflashinthepan.com – both graduated from the Culinary Institute of America and have over 35 years of professional culinary experience between them – for one evening and an incredible 6-course dinner for 6 people. Both chefs will come to the winner's house, prepare the feast AND clean up after! So, decide who your five best friends are and enter to win!

Rules for the grand prize:

1. Chefs will travel to anywhere in the United States only.
2. Chefs will pay for all travel and food expenses. If desired, any wine or alcohol will be provided by winner.
3. Menu to be determined by winner and chefs.
4. Date of dinner to be determined by winner and chefs.
5. Please enter even if you fear that your house is too dirty for company or that you will be judged-- they have children and understand!

I will submit one semi-finalist to enter the drawing for the grand prize selected from your comments/entries below. That’s FOUR prizes total. In effort to share the love, each individual can only win one.

So, what are you waiting for?

Here’s to never having to think about what’s for dinner again – at least for one year!

Good luck!

Winks & Smiles,

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Are You Married to a Sports Fanatic?

In honor of March Madness, I thought this would be appropriate:

Ten signs of a sports fanatic...

Your husband’s score is determined by how many signs apply to him. Give your hubby one point for every behavior that applies.

1. He watches ESPN's SportsCenter more than three times in a row. SportsCenter, a daily sports news show, often re-airs the same show several times a day until the next one is produced. It's like watching the same Entertainment Tonight more than once.

2. He listens to sports radio every time he’s in the car and thinks the “2 Live Stews" should run for political office. The “2 Live Stews" are two brothers who have one of the most popular nationally syndicated sports talk shows in the country. Think The View for men — hot topics and all.

3. He’s superstitious and has to wear his team’s jersey, baseball hat, underwear, socks or some sort of paraphernalia while watching the game. He’ll even pull it out of the dirty laundry if it’s not clean. OK, I’m not telling on Napoleon here, but let’s just say I can vouch for this one from firsthand experience.

4. If his team loses, you can pretty much forget the romantic dinner that you planned for later. His mood is ruined as if he missed the game-winning field goal himself.

5. His idea of the perfect trip is traveling across country by plane, train or automobile to tailgate (enjoy barbecue and beer) in the parking lot of the stadium where his favorite team plays even if he doesn’t have tickets to go in and see the game. Being in the parking lot is enough for him.

6. He really can’t understand why his team’s bean bag, blanket, throw pillows, lamp and football-shaped clock do not go with the decor of your living room. Refer to the Living Together chapter; this is exactly why every man should have his own space in your home.

7. He can’t remember your birth date, how old his mother is, or to pick up the dry-cleaning on his way home from work, but he can tell you who won the 1982 Super Bowl (the San Francisco 49ers) and recite all of the game statistics, including who quarterbacked, how many yards he threw for, what the defense did, and give you an announcer’s style descriptive play-by-play of the entire game.

8. He thinks NASCAR would be a great name for your first child. Boy or girl.

9. He seriously suggested borrowing against his 401k or taking out a second mortgage on your house to buy one season ticket for his favorite team. One. That means even if you want to, you don’t get to go.

10. He enters every “biggest fan” contest dying for the opportunity to live out his childhood (and grown-man) fantasies — stepping into the batter’s box and slugging a homerun out of the ballpark; throwing that halftime, half-court basketball shot in front of thousands of screaming fans; or receiving a kick and returning it the entire length of the football field.

See how your husband scores.

1-3 is mild — Consider yourself lucky and go with the flow.

4-7, moderate — It can get pretty intense, but be patient and set parameters. Give his favorite sport a try or take advantage of the time to do something for yourself.

8 or more, maniac — Your man has the potential to get out of control. You and your husband need to come up with “game rules” to keep him and you from going crazy. If you two can’t communicate and compromise effectively — in the off season so that he can be objective — seek a referee or professional help, and pray that his team has a winning season.

Winks & Smiles,

Excerpted from the book, Help! I’m a Newlywed … What Do I Do Now: Wife-Saving Advice Every New Bride Must Know to Survive the First Year of Marriage (30 Miles Media, Inc.).

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Husband 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

I wish I could take credit for writing this little gem, but it was passed on to me – author unknown – via e-mail. How’s your Husband 1.0 running?

Winks & Smiles,

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Daddy's Baby Bug Dilemma ... and Shower-Me-Anyway

Yesterday I had a male friend ask me what does it make him if he reads Ask Wifey. My answer – smart!

While most of my advice addresses women I definitely welcome questions, feedback and support from all the men out there. I believe it’s important to understand how the opposite sex thinks to thrive in your marriage because it’s different - man is it different.

So with that said, here’s a Q&A featuring a question from a husband who’s got a little dilemma.

Dear Wifey:

OK, I'm not King Solomon and I'm not interested in physically sawing a baby in half, trust me, however, I do have a small dilemma: my wife has caught the baby bug, again, and I haven't. We waited five years into marriage to take the parenthood plunge. I have a wonderful 2 year-old daughter that I love dearly and who has stole daddy's heart. My wife has expressed an interest in coming out of the pool and diving again but I kinda like where I am. Unfortunately, there's no negotiating here. You either have another child or you don't. So, what do you think? How can I ensure a happy, tranquil home if something my wife desires I don't desire to give - right now anyway? It’s dicey.

-Mr. Baby Bug Dilemma

Dear Mr. Baby Bug Dilemma:

Dicey indeed! First let me say I love getting questions from men and give you big kudos for taking the time to search for the right answer. Unfortunately, I can’t give it to you. It’s something that you and your wife will have to come to on your own. I can tell you I recently answered a similar question a couple weeks ago, clearly this is an issue that many couples are dealing with, and you and your wife are not alone!

You both need to communicate your feelings about having another baby so you can try and reach a unified decision that both of you can live with. Start off by talking to your wife openly and honestly about what you want; and also why you feel that way. Don’t assume she knows. What may seem obvious or logical to you may not to her. It might sound sexist, but remember women tend to think more emotionally than men – especially about having babies. Encourage her to share her feelings, wants and needs, too. And listen to them. Put yourself in her shoes and ask her to do the same. Don’t rush or be pressured into making a quick decision, this may take some time and several conversations.

Deciding on having another child can leave one spouse with resentment if the decision isn’t made honestly and together. If you two are having difficulty communicating on your own, counseling may be a viable option.

Winks & Smiles,

Dear Wifey:

My fiancé and I are thinking about eloping. We are contemplating a small destination wedding with a few close people near and dear to our heart. When we get back we want to have a party to celebrate our new marriage. Even though I don’t want a traditional wedding I still want to have some of the traditional fun. Am I wrong if I still want a bridal shower even though I’m not having a “regular” wedding?

- Mrs. Shower-Me-Anyway

Dear Mrs. Shower-Me-Anyway:

Hmm, I’m no Emily Post, but I do know that you are not supposed to invite anyone to your shower that you are not inviting to your wedding. So, if you’re only inviting a few close people to your wedding, I’m guessing proper etiquette would dictate a shower with those few people. But, since Wifey isn’t that proper, I say go for it.

There’s no reason why you can’t have a tactful, intimate shower with people who love you and want to shower you with love, blessings and some fabulous presents. The key word here is tactful. Because you are not having the traditional wedding, it makes sense to keep your guess list close and intimate. Don’t invite people you haven’t seen in years and make sure that everyone invited to your shower is on the list for your post-wedding soirée. Other than that, give your girlfriends the go ahead and have a great time!

Winks & Smiles,

Want to weigh in? Don’t be shy, leave a comment and share your thoughts. Got a question? E-mail Wifey at questions@askwifey.com

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.

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