Out of the Box Girl

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Wifey’s Weekly Q and A

Dear Wifey:

My mother and I don't connect. I'm trying to explain to her the way I feel things or react to issues, but she doesn't seem to understand my feelings or views on these things. She often says I'm an "out of the box" kind of person. How can I approach her so that she can understand me better and we can go back to having a close relationship with each other?

-Out of the Box Girl

Dear Out of the Box Girl:

First, know that you are not alone. Many mothers and daughters don’t always see eye-to-eye which can lead to difficulty connecting. Feeling misunderstood can be frustrating and create distance in your relationship, but it doesn’t have to. Kudos to you for wanting to approach this correctly. How you speak to your mother can definitely affect the outcome of your conversation. It sounds like you’ve tried to explain yourself already. Were you patient and honest in your conversation? Not pointing figures at your mother, but using phrases like “this is how I feel” or “I do this because” instead of “you make me feel” or “you are the reason I do this” will help keep her from getting defensive.

Try and talk to your mother when you are not in the heat of the moment, both of you might be too excited to hear each other clearly. Take her to lunch and let her know how important she is to you and that you’d like her to consider your point of view. Be prepared with positive examples and know what message you’d like to convey. Once you’ve done that respect her right to disagree. Unfortunately, you cannot MAKE her see things your way – and that’s OK. Sometimes in life we have to take a big girl pill, agree to disagree and let things go – especially with our mamas. Hopefully, she’ll meet you in the middle, but unless your disagreement is a deal-breaker, understand that she’s just not understanding, love her anyway and let it go.

Winks & Smiles

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How about you? Do you connect with your mother? How do you approach her? Darling daughters want to know …

The advice on this site is intended to be helpful, but is not meant to take the place of marital counseling, legal advice, financial advice or any other professional service. If you feel you need professional help, it is encouraged for you to get some.


Liz Wilkey (a.k.a. A Mom on Spin) July 29, 2009 at 8:51 AM  

I am truly lucky! Because my mother had an overbearing and opinionated mother, she has been the most non-intrusive parent. . . always there, but never inserting herself.

Luck. True Luck . . .

Justice Ny July 29, 2009 at 2:17 PM  

I'm fortunate because my mom is my best friend. She's always given me room to breathe and come into my own and make my own decisions, all the while being there and guiding me without being intrusive or judgmental. She has this way of influencing my decisions without me feeling it and I love it. I hope that I can replicate her way with me and my daughter's relationship.

Blu Jewel July 29, 2009 at 2:31 PM  

I did not have a close or bonding relationship with my mother and it adversely affected me and my life/life choices. Fortunately, I healed those issues and addressed those which I could with her as I got older (very recently).

I have a 17y/o daughter whom I'm extremely close to and she's also my best friend. We talk about everything and share the ups and downs of life openly. I'm happy that I chose to be the polar opposite of my mother and am raising a happy and healthy girl.

Great post.

Felicia - I complete Me July 29, 2009 at 3:08 PM  

I can somewhat relate to this post. My mom does not understand the choices I make and I bet she thinks I'm living my life completely wrong. I love my mom to death but to be honest I can't stand her way of thinking. My mom is in her 60s and I hate to say it but stuck in her ways. I no longer fight with her or try to get her to understand, she just won't. I chose my topics wisely and answer certain questions vary vaguely. I think because I'm the last child it is very hard for her to see me as a mother, wife, and adult. I'm still her baby. Sometimes the best solution is simply keeping your mouth shut.

www.JusticeJonesie.com/blog July 30, 2009 at 1:04 PM  

This is great advice for a situation that's not so uncommon. I am close with my mom but I certainly don't tell her everything for fear of judgment. Something I need to work on with her.

joanofalltrades July 30, 2009 at 1:12 PM  

Thanks Wifey! I needed this advice for a different relationship. This is good for relationships with anyone.

Ms. Wanda July 31, 2009 at 8:24 PM  

A mother daughter relationship is one of the most important relationships you will ever have:) If I knew then what I know now, that I'd run out of time with my mother, I would have sucked up all of the bad things I said to her and treated her with more love and respect!

Our time with our mothers is short don't waste it on pettiness and bickering! When she is yelling or disagreeing with you hug her and kiss her and say, "Mommy I love you!"
Then she'll look at you like your crazy!!! But, she'll be loving you right back:)

Mammatalk August 1, 2009 at 7:25 PM  

Wonderful advice. I think we all could use some help improving the mother-daughter relationship.

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